Shades of Grey

Life is not black and white.  There are always shades of grey.  I have had lots of experiences through my journey with depression, and other places too, that have hammered this point home.

I have friends that have cheated on their spouses.  This is an action that I always used to think was unforgivable.  I found a new way to think about it when it was good friends that were involved.  I saw their vulnerability, their remorse, their pain in the situation.  And I decided that I couldn't walk away when they most needed a friend.  I learned that being a friend and being supportive doesn't have to mean thinking their actions were ok, it means showing compassion, giving people a break, knowing that we all do things that are hurtful to ourselves and to others.

Being involved with the lesbian community has shown me some things as well.  What I have found there is people who want to be accepted for who they are.  In some pockets I have found people that are unable to do that for other people.  I sometimes tell the story of a friend of mine.  Her religious beliefs say that it is wrong to be gay.  For a bit after I came out this was a sore spot between us, but eventually we agreed to disagree.  I have had some pretty bad reactions to this story in that I should continue to try to change her mind because she is wrong and how can I accept  her like that?  I respect that this is what she believes and she respects that I don't believe that and we move on.  I truly believe that compassion and acceptance has to go both ways.

 I have had some friendships change for the worse because of my coming out and my journey with depression.  A different friend says I don't need those people in my life because if they can't deal with those things then they are not my true friends.  In some instances she is right.  But there is one person in particular where I am not convinced this is true.  I think there is a lot of hurt and misunderstanding between us and maybe if we can find a way to broach that we can change our relationship again.

I once heard someone say that her diagnoses of mental illness were her life sentence.  This person is an advocate for anti-stigma work and I admire that.  For me though, I don't like to look at depression as a life sentence.  Yes it appears to be chronic for me and something I will live with for the rest of my life, but is it a sentence?  We all have things in our lives that we have to deal with.  My friend has diabetes and has since he was 7.  Would people characterize this as a life sentence?  Maybe.  I view depression as part of my life, part of who I am and part of how I live.  It's not the most fun part to be sure.

Taking care of myself has taken on a whole new meaning also.  I used to think I was great at taking care of myself because I could work and earn enough money to pay for all the things I needed.  I didn't need anyone's help with anything. This is certainly one way to take care of oneself.  I wasn't taking care of myself in a number of other ways though.  I wasn't paying any attention to my mental health.  I wasn't paying that much attention to my physical health.  I let myself stay in unhealthy situations way too long because I didn't know how to get out of them.  I let physical pain go on for a long, long time before doing anything about it.  I never took sick days from work, even when I should have, and the odd time I did I felt extremely guilty.  Now, I am much better at really taking care of myself.  Finding a balance among all the things in my life; work, alone time, physical activity, friends, family.  I take sick days more often than not as mental health days.  I get a flu shot (because when I don't I catch every virus going around).  I pay attention to how I feel and take action on it.  I work really hard at living according to what I think is important, and not what other people think is important.  I ask for help sometimes, although this is something I am working on.