The Scene of the Crime

Yesterday I went to Edmonton to watch the FIFA Women's World Cup soccer. I used to live in Edmonton. It is where all of my hardest days were. It is where the workplace bullying happened and where I was one thought away from taking my own life. It is where I felt betrayed by life.

When I moved from there I was determind to leave it all behind and forget about all the crap. I have been back a handfull of times, all but yesterday before I really understood the PTSD symptoms I experience and before I had any kind of coping skills with them. The lack of trips there has been hard on the few friendships I really do value... but I digress.

So, yesterday. I was so excited to go see the soccer. And the truth is I wasn't even thinking about the crap that happened in the last few years of living there. I was enjoying the drive. Then we got to Leduc, about 20 km outside of Edmonton, and it started. The awful sick feeling in my stomach, the nausea, the very real realization that I was having a panic attack. And the equally real thought that I was trapped in a car full of women that I don't know all that well. Certainly not well enough to want to talk about what was happening.

The spot on the road was familiar. Every time I would return from visiting my family in Calgary, that is about the spot the anxiety would kick in. And so, it happened again

It was tough, especially as I was trying to hide it, and be the navigator as I was the only one familiar with the city. What I learned is that I do have a few more coping skills. By the time we got to the park and ride I was doing better, and by the time we got to the stadium I was ok. 

Interesting really. The bus went right by one of my old apartments, from the days before things got really bad. I was reminded of some of the good days of living in Edmonton. I know that was good for me as I haven't really been able to see beyond the bad days for a long time.

I also learned that I can be in the city and be ok. How that would play out going past the condo I lived in at the worst of it, or the building where I worked might be different. I didn't get near either of those places. But I did remember some of the good times in the areas I was in, so that is a start. Even without the physical reminder of being there, maybe it will help me see my life there in a more real way.

#blog4mh