At one point in my life, when the depression was raging, there was no joy, ever. The moment I remember feeling the darkness lift a teeny tiny bit was now nearly 4.5 years ago when my nephew was born. At the time it felt like such a foreign emotion I didn't know what to do with it, or really how to let myself experience it.
Fast forward to today. I have been re-habbing a broken foot for the last 3 months or so. One of the things I need to do is stay off it. Usually my main way of getting to and from work is walking. Now I take the bus most days. Today though, I rode my bike. At the end of the day I felt such a sense of joy that getting home was not confined by the bus schedule, I could leave when I was ready and come straight home.
On the way home I rode by a stretch of mayday trees in bloom and the smell was delightful. I also rode by a whole bunch of goslings, so cute. I noticed and enjoyed these things.
It is really still amazing to me to feel the positive emotion that comes in these moments. Not just know that something good is going on and yet have no experience of anything positive. And then, especially before I had the diagnosis of depression, I would wonder what in earth was wrong with me that I never felt joy. Oof, hard way to live.
Today I am grateftul for treatment that is working, that I can be a part of the world for good and bad.
#blog4mh
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